16 Jun
16Jun

When will the grieving stop? A woman asks after many long years of separation. She holds on to the hope of her husband returning to her. They haven’t yet filed for divorce, and they keep seeing each other due to the logistics regarding the kids. How many of these stories are out there, I wonder?


We like to think that breakup grieving follows the same stages as mourning: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Experts now agree that not everyone experiences all the stages, and certainly not everyone in this order. Some even add new stages to the list. In the end, it becomes a list of emotional actions we use whenever we face difficulties and challenging feelings. That said, the stages—or more accurately, the emotional process—are real. It’s just less rigid and less programmed, less predictable than some believe.

So, what good does it do to label heartbreak over separation as grieving? And is it really grieving?
When a loved one dies, more often than not, our social network shows support. The pain is shared with friends and family. We attend funerals, grieving gatherings, and meet with others who knew the deceased, sharing thoughts, feelings, and memories. We feel ourselves as victims of a tragedy and are treated as such.


But where is this support when we go through a separation? Most likely, none of the above is available. There are no breakup parties, no gatherings to share the pain. On the contrary, the heartbreak and the pain belong only to us and likely don’t affect many others.
Divorce is often considered contagious. Many divorcees lose friends during the process. Family dynamics may shift, and the people who take sides, behave like football fans as a way to show support. Often, they unintentionally fuel anger towards the ex, holding us to move to an other stage in our process.
So no, going through a breakup is not the same as grieving.
The calls, messages, appointments, and accidental encounters on the street, in many divorces, are occasions of bullying, gaslighting, harassment, blame, and accusations—or pure, painful rejection. 
The biggest difference between a breakup and losing a loved one is the inevitable '100% No Contact' that comes with death.


When will the grieving stop? The good and bad news are the same: it’s up to you and no one else.
Circumstances are partly out of our control, but how we comprehend our reality and process our possibilities is within our power. Changing our mindset is a challenge, but it’s possible. Changing our everyday life is also a challenge, but it’s possible. Changing our perspective on the past, our conflicts, and the outcomes of those conflicts is another challenge, but it is within our power.


Recognizing what keeps us stuck and what would help us move forward is half the battle. If you're tangled in a web of negative thoughts, or inertia dominates your days, you may need professional help to break free and get the push that helps you move on. Don’t hesitate to seek help! Don’t hesitate to prioritize your mental health. Every minute you spend stuck is a waste of your own time, your own life.
The idea that the stages of grieving apply to healing from a breakup is misleading. You are a divorcee. Unfortunately, you may not receive the support, compassion, or emotional, physical, and mental help you need and deserve. You have a job to do for yourself! If you’re tired of being stuck in your pain and anger, if it’s consuming your life, then it’s time to roll up your sleeves.


Don’t forget, that you are not alone!

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